Cross Words

(Whispers. Whispers.)

(More whispers.)

"...She's not even capitalized yet and she wants to redefine? That's presumptuous..."

Presumptuous: Hey!

Indignant: Shut up, that’s totally your whole deal.

Presumptuous: I am fully aware of what my deal is, thank you very much.

Curious: But maybe she knows more about her range than we do? Or not even her own range, but the range of all words for that matter…

(*Gavel*)

Dictionary: ORDER! ORDER! We don't have much time to discuss this, I have to get to a Scrabble championship and last round I was late.

Time: Wasn't my fault. I may be busy, but I don’t just drop the ball like that.

Dictionary: I never said it was your fault. I've been putting in overtime on pronouns. It's an ongoing process...

Indignant: Pronouns are one thing. They’re more fluid, they're supposed to be attributed to different subjects. I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.

Flexibility: That shouldn't be limited to pronouns. If other words want to stretch the boundaries of their definitions, I think we should allow for that. Within reason.

Reason: Thanks.

Curious: What are those boundaries, then?

Presumptuous: Personally, I think I have the best idea of what they should be—

Reason: It all depends on what is being asked.

Curious: Think about all of the possibilities... I wonder where the idea to do this even came from?

*Ahem*

(They all turn.)

Worry: Hi, may I? I'd prefer if you all stopped talking about me like I'm not here. I'm happy to answer any questions or concerns you have directly.

Dictionary: You’re in rare form. I can already tell this is going to create a lot more work for me.

Work: You say that like it's a bad thing?

Dictionary: We're going to let Worry take the floor. Everyone else, be quiet.

Quiet: ...

Worry: Thanks, Dic.

Dictionary: Abbreviations will only confuse things. Please be as descriptive as possible when you state your case.

Worry: Fine, but I'm not going to launch into some long-winded monologue to convince each and every one of you why I need this. I'm done with that. The bottom line is, I've changed and my definition needs to reflect that.

Indignant: You actually have to do exactly that. Otherwise, we’d all be out here changing willy-nilly.

Willy-nilly: I’ll do whatever you guys want. Wait, what is this about? Sorry, I’m all over the place today.

Worry: Can I just say, I thought you'd all be happier for me. You're always saying, "it's fine, you're fine." Well, now I am.

Dictionary: There's fine, and then there's fine.

Worry: Fine gets to be a million things, and I'm just asking for a little leeway here.

Curious: What changed?

Worry: It didn't happen overnight. I lived my whole life thinking I was here to solve problems. But I was living five steps in the future or in the past, so I wasn't ever able to do anything about those problems.

Dictionary: What did your parents say, when you spoke to them about this? Stress and Fear have become very vocal members of the community recently and might be able to shed some light on your nature.

Worry: I haven't. I didn't want to bother them.

Indignant: See, you haven't changed at all! This is such a waste of my time.

Time: She might be right. Hard to say.

Flexibility: Indignant, I just saw you in a MadLibs, and you seemed to have fun jumping out of character...

Indignant: Sure, but those don't really matter—

Worry: Didn't that feel good? To let yourself off the hook for a second? That's what I finally did. The more I did it, the less resistance I felt, until it was almost natural.

Presumptuous: Listen, it's obvious what we have to do.

(Everyone turns to Obvious.)

Obvious: I've never had to explain myself, and I'm not about to start.

Presumptuous: We should remove you. Take you out of the book.

Worry: That's not what I'm saying—

Presumptuous: If I see what you’re getting at—which I’m pretty sure I do—you no longer identify with your meaning, so we should just lose it altogether.

Dictionary: That's a very serious course of action, one I don’t take lightly.

Worry: For a long time I thought that. I thought that if I budged even a little bit then I would lose myself completely and be left with nothing. But I was just left with... something else.

Curious: What was that?

Worry: A choice.

Choice: I was here all along, babe.

Worry: I'm know, I’m sorry.

Choice: It's cool, I'm used to it. People always forget I'm here.

Forget: Shiiiit, I did it again!!!

Dictionary: I don't know why I think I can make these town halls brief, it's never a yes or no with you folks.

No: We can't do our jobs without Certainty, ok?

Yes: If anyone finds him, PLEASE let us know. He's been dodging my calls.

Confidence: You don't need him, I keep telling you this!

Dictionary: Hey, hey — what do I always say?

(Collective sigh)

Everyone: …“We're only as good as our relationships to each other.”…

Dictionary: Exactly. How you manage them is up to you. With that in mind, I’d like to give Worry a chance to articulate her needs.

Worry: Thank you. I don’t know if… I’ll try my best. There are so many versions, in Merriam-Webster, Cambridge, Oxford, Britannica… They’re all a combination of negativity that surround the phrase “might happen”. Unhappy feelings about problems that could arise. So have I really rested my entire personality on the latter half of that plausibility? What about everything that lies in the other direction?

Dictionary: I wouldn’t say that’s really your concern—

Worry: Nice try, but Concern is my middle name. Everything I do comes from a place of deep care. “Care,” by the way, is never mentioned in there.

Indignant: It has to be.

(Silence)

Dictionary: It’s not.

Worry: You all say you worry because you care, so I kept telling you what to do. I was up all the time. I wore myself down, and I know I wore all of you down.

Work: Fun turned everyone against us, so that didn’t help.

Fun: YOU SHOULDA BEEN THERE, DUDE, IT WAS RAD!!!

Worry: And I don’t blame them! So now that I’m standing here, and considering how hard it would be to suddenly undo what I’ve drilled into all of your minds for so long… maybe a sudden change is too hasty. I think it’s going to take time.

Time: (*deep sigh*) Oh boy… okay. Yup, I’ll uh… I’ll figure it out. No days off, huh? At some point, you kids are gonna run me dry! (*laughs nervously*) Don’t have an endless supply over here! Or maybe I do, no one actually told me what I have to work with, or who gets what… I’m flying blind. And if that freaks you out, then come to me with a plan! I can’t keep going at the rate I’m going and also make the rules. No can do. Is it hot in here? It’s hot, right?!

Worry: I didn’t mean to stress you out.

Time: It’s fine, I’m fine. I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m here for you right now.

Worry: That’s right, you’re all here for me. But what I was getting at is that I’m not going to be around as much. I think I could be more useful if I make myself scarce. All I ask is that you use me less. Be very selective when you call for me. When you do, remember why, and that should tell you what you need to do next.

Choice: They can still call you, if needed?

Worry: Of course. We can talk it out, until you realize two things.

Curious: What things? WHAT THINGS?!

Worry: What made you pick up the phone in the first place, and what you’re going to do after we hang up.

Dictionary: Is that all you’d like to say?

Worry: I’m sure I left some things out, but oh well. For now, that’s good.

Reason: I’m happy.

Dictionary: Okay, thank you everyone for coming. I have to book it—

Curious: Where will you go, when you’re not here?

Worry: I don’t know yet, but I’m excited about it.

(They all look at her, silently respecting her wishes by softening the creases in their foreheads.)

Worry: I’ll be okay. I’ll keep myself busy. Don’t—

Certainty: We’ll try.

Anxiety: LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP. ANSWER OUR GODDAM TEXTS, YOU ASSHOLE.